Tales of the Sannin
by Aya-kun Rose
Summary: The legendary trio are going to Target. Don't ask me why. I don't know yet. Tis just a crack fic. Oh yeah, and spoiler if you don't know who the Sannin are yet.
1. Chapter 1

It was bright and early, and the air filled with the sounds of morning. Some of the sounds included the singing of the birds, people greeting each other on the street, and also the sound of Jiraiya banging on the door of the local Konoha Target.

A teenager in glasses and a red shirt unlocked the door from within, looking disapprovingly up at the hermit.

Jiraiya glared back, Tsunade and Orochimaru standing behind him, trying to pretend like they were total strangers. Then the white-haired man took a deep breath and started yelling about a sign posted next to the door.

The boy frowned, covering his ears, and looked over at which Jiraiya took offense. "No roller skates, skateboards, weapons, traps, or pets (cats, dogs, turtles, ferrets, zombies, foxes, tanuki, monkeys, slugs, toads, snakes, etc.) allowed inside the store," said the sign.

"You can't keep toads like me out of the store!" Jiraiya ranted. "We can be respectable customers just like any other person!"

The Target employee pushed his glasses up on his nose menacingly. "That sign simply means, sir, that you cannot bring any animals into the store."

"I don't have any," Jiraiya and Tsunade said in unison, while Orochimaru said, "I don't have any in my pockets."

They looked at him.

"Even though you might resemble an animal, as a person you can come in," the teen continued, drawing their attention back.

"Are you making fun of my wart!" Jiraiya shouted, pointing at his nose.

"Oh, it all makes sense now," Tsunade mused. Then, "Wait, in what way do I look like a slug?"

Orochimaru breezed by the two, coming up in front of the boy. "I'd like to take your body," he said by way of introduction. Getting glares from his teammates: "I mean, I'm totally loyal to the Leaf, and am not interested in immortality whatsoever."

Looking at the boy's nametag, he went on, leaning closer, "But, uh, Kabuto-kun, you wouldn't happen to be a part of some clan with great powers, would you?"

"That's enough, snake boy," Tsunade growled, kicking him in through the door. Then she dragged Jiraiya in by his hair, ignoring his whine of "'Taku, Tsunade-hime, you're so _bossy_!"

**TO BE CONTINUED?**

* * *

I don't know where the idea came from, and I honestly don't know what might happen next. Probably nothing, 'cause I'll prolly forget about it. ; Any ideas?


	2. Chapter 2

"Buy me a icee! And a hotdog! And some popcorn!" Jiraiya hollered, breaking free of Tsunade's grip and bounding over to the food area to the right of the door.

"Naruto is a bad influence on you," Tsunade scowled, following slowly. "Why don't you buy it yourself?"

But the old man was already hitting on the young woman behind the counter.

And by "hitting on", I mean, "spying on from behind a table with the family seated there all staring at him."

"Sorry," Tsunade explained to the parents shielding their children's eyes. "He hasn't had his meds yet today." She smiled sweetly, grabbing the pervert and hauling him towards the clothes section.

"Ooooohoooh," he said, "Are you taking me to try on bras with you again?"

She hit him. Hard. "You'd better not be talking about that time you snuck into the women's changing rooms near the lingerie. Because I thought I made myself _very clear_ when I told you what would happen if you ever tried something like that again."

Jiraiya swallowed uncomfortably, thinking back to that scene in FFVII when they were threatening Don Corneo…….

Meanwhile!

Orochimaru had picked himself up from the floor, and had snuck stealthily off by himself.

"Oh, you don't want that foundation, you'd have to get some pretty dark eye-liner to make it work!" proclaimed a girl in the cosmetics aisle.

Orochimaru turned to glare at her, fairly certain that he had not solicited that kind of advice.

She took one look at him, and made up her mind: "Alright, I guess you can make it work. It's because your facial bones are so prominent." She nodded at her assessment.

He set the box of make-up back on the shelf, turning to find a quieter place to plot—I mean, shop. He wanted to find a quieter place to shop where he couldn't be disturbed or found out by his idio—um, idiosyncratic teammates.

The girl squealed. "I just LOVE your earrings! Where did you get them!"

Orochimaru spun back, looking excited himself. "Aren't they just the CUTEST! I'd DIE if I ever found anybody else with the same pair—in fact, I might just KILL them myself!" With that he dropped his _creepy_ happy face straight into a deadpan, and walked away.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

* * *

Meh, it's not as inspired this time 'round. Seriously, if anybody has any ideas, let me know. This thing has no plot. 


	3. Chapter 3

Tsunade stopped dead in her tracks, realizing that in her solid concentration on the object in her hand, she had let her worst fear come to pass.

She'd let Jiraiya loose in the store.

Alone.

Unsupervised.

She slowly set down the palm pilot she'd been inspecting. It was, of course, perfect, just the thing she needed to organize future missions. But at that ridiculous price...Konoha would survive without it.

Besides, there were fouler things afoot.

Or, at least, more pressing matters that needed her attention. Such as the world's number one baby, the great toad hermit, roaming an unsuspecting Target.

Elsewhere!

The aisles were quiet. Too quiet. Then a blur flashed through, and everything exploded. With alarms and engine sounds, that is. Jiraiya stood proudly at the head of the aisle. And he was duly proud: he'd managed to hit every button on every toy truck and fire engine and helicopter and batmobile and Hummer so quickly that they all went off seemingly at once. And on the first try, too.

He walked back over, sticking his fingers into the "try me!" holes in the plastic boxes. Idly, he spun the spinners on a Hummer. They spun quite nicely. Not like that cheap Toyota a couple boxes down. No quality at all. The makers of that toy should have been ashamed of themselves.

Then he spotted them.

His face flushed, and his eyes melted. Like a crab scuttling behind a rock, the large shinobi scuttled over behind the girls. He couldn't resist! They were giggling and _everything!_

The two young women were not so pleased. Somehow, just somehow, they'd managed to spot him. They turned from the shelf they were looking at to stare at the creepy old man standing drooling behind them.

"You're a creepy old man," one said to him.

"Why are you standing behind us?" said the other.

Darn. He'd been found out. He fumbled for an excuse. "I—I, uh, I was just, you know, yeah, I mean, you see, right, of course I—what's that you've got?" Excuses were not his strong point. He was unaccustomed to being caught.

The girls looked down at the toys they were holding. They were red, with big buttons, resembling a phone. "It's Merlin," one replied. "There's a bunch of different games on it."

Jiraiya chuckled. "Aren't you two a little too old for kids' games!"

They glared glares of malicious hatred, glares that just screamed WHAT ARE _YOU_ DOING IN THE TOYS AISLE, _OLD MAN_, and he whimpered, retreating.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	4. Chapter 4

He wanted it. It was perfect, so he wanted it. He deserved to have it. There was no reason why it shouldn't belong to him. No one else should have it. It was his and his alone. Just a couple of quick ninjutsu, and it would be his forever—

"We don't allow shoplifting, sir," came a voice to his side.

Orochimaru spun around, clutching the soft snake plushie to his chest. This was _not_ happening. Just when he'd found the perfect one—it was purple and everything—someone had to come and ruin his day. He did _not_ want to be seen going through checkout with that thing.

"Kabuto-kun," Orochimaru smiled. The boy did not look impressed that he remembered his name. If only that brat knew how many names Orochimaru made it a point not to remember! Then he'd be grateful. But, then again, he was wearing it on his shirt.

"I wasn't just about to make it invisible or transport it outside the store to a secure location that only I know how to get to. Or, really, any sort of ninjutsu that required several hand seals. I was simply stretching." There, that would fool any lesser-minded being.

"Please come this way, sir," Kabuto said, sounding bored.

In Another Place!

Tsunade was lost. She had thought that it would have been easy to follow the burning wreckage straight to Jiraiya, but the old man proved stealthier than expected. So, instead of keeping track where she was and where she had been, she'd only been looking for the signs of damage or the wild screaming, whichever she found first.

But, she'd run into neither, and now she didn't know where she was. She blamed the Target. Everything in this one was switched around opposite compared to the one she normally went to. It didn't make sense to her to build each building different on the inside. It was only confusing.

She was just about to start down another random aisle, when she felt a familiar chakra pattern. Panicking, she whirled back into the aisle and hid behind a display as Shizune strolled by with an orange shopping cart.

What bad luck! Shizune couldn't find out that she was there! She'd make her do _work_. No matter what time period this story was set!

Tsunade hastily backed away down the aisle. It was turning into a right ninja mission, her objectives to find the prey while not getting caught herself. Then, to ensure randomness of chronology, she bumped into someone. Someone, she saw, with bright yellow hair, and a brighter smile. She recognized him immediately, but for some mysterious reason, she had no idea what his name was.

**!TO BE CONTINUED!**


	5. Chapter 5

Kabuto was sweating. Yes, Kabuto. What, you have a problem with this being about Kabuto now? I like Kabuto. He deserves to be in the Tales of the Sannin just as much as…well, no one else does, although Ino was sorta anonymously in there, and now there's Yondaime and Shizune but not Tonton because that would make this story just really dumb…. Ahem. Excuse me. Kabuto is cool. Shut up.

Kabuto was sweating. He knew he had the skills of Kakashi—well, skill level, it was impossible to have all the actual _skills_ that he had, y'know, unless you were semi-immortal and made it a hobby to collect them with a single-mindedness rivaled only by Ash Ketchem—but this battle was about to end quickly.

With a pained cry of defeat, Jann Lee flew across the screen to land in a KO'd heap while Kasumi seemed to apologize for her victory. Kabuto slowly released the controller, reaching up to adjust his glasses. He had lost. He had been beaten. He was standing before true power.

He knelt, offering his deference to his unchallenged master. "Orochimaru-sama, I am yours."

Orochimaru stood in front of the PS2 station mounted on the side of an aisle in the electronics section and grinned smugly. Yes, he was awesome. He was so awesome, he needed it to be known by all. Forever.

"Yes, I am awesome, Kabuto, but you are not awesome enough for me. But as my spy, you can help me find the perfect body in this sickeningly peaceful store."

The boy rose, his grin decidedly evil. "Come this way, sir."

Another side, another story!

Something was bugging Jiraiya. He didn't want to think about it, but it became so obnoxious he actually stopped pedaling in order to figure it out. He looked up around him, and it became suddenly clear.

He'd never gotten this far before. He couldn't even _see_ the sporting goods department anymore.

He spun to look behind him, certain of the crowd of employees about to pounce. Nobody. He sat there, on that tiny pink bike with tassels and a bell and a pretty little basket, and was dumbfounded at his luck. Had he really managed to ride all the way across the store without being chased and stopped and reprimanded and kicked out?

Seemed so. With a "fufufufufu" of laughter, he gave the bell a couple of victory rings and zoomed onward. The day was full of possibilities.


	6. Chapter 6

The Speed Racer theme was mysteriously emanating from the pink and white blur that skidded through the store. People screamed and jumped out of the way—the lucky ones did, anyway. There was no stopping it. There was no slowing it down. It just kept going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going... ... ...

The demon on wheels was none other than Jiraiya himself. He was wild and he was free. In the twenty minutes he'd been terrorizing the store, he hadn't seen a single employee trying to stop him. Which was a shame, as he would have enjoyed the challenge, but this uncontested freedom was pretty nice, too.

"Go Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer go!" he sang as he pulled down an aisle for a victory lap. But adventure wasn't waitin' just ahead. Unless you consider a potted house tree an adventure. I suppose it could be, if you tried, but it wasn't right then.

I'm not even sure if Jiraiya saw the tree before he hit it. Kids, stay alive, don't drink and drive. Because Jiraiya was drunk: drunk on the euphoria of transgression.

In any case, the crash was not pretty. The mangled, burning wreckage of the bike was almost enough to bring news helicopters. A twisted wheel rolled feebly down the aisle as Jiraiya crawled from the flames. He glared up at the unscathed tree, coughing smoke at it.

Now he needed a new toy.

Out there in the yonder!

Tsunade's new companion wasn't the talkative type, but she guessed that was ok, considering all he'd been through. What really bothered her, though, was the fact that she just could not remember his name. Which was silly, because she was pretty sure that he had one. They wandered through several aisles together in silence as she wracked her brain.

They started in the medicine aisle, which was interesting for a while. She had been impressed by the variety and quality of the medicines available. She would have to ask the Naras to start working on coming up with local versions of the brand name stuff. Then they came upon the vitamins, and she had to raise an eyebrow at some of the soldier pills. No pill could increase your chakra _and_ do _that_ at the same time. Her skepticism grew as she surveyed the shelves opposite. "Health" bars, the whole lot. Bars to make you loose 50 pounds a day. All in flavors of "Chocolate Peanut Cake" and "Sweet Strawberry Silk." It was sad.

Ah, the next aisle was getting better. First aid was something she knew one or two things about. She picked up a box of band-aids for kids. They appeared to be covered in pictures of brightly colored animal-like things. The times had certainly changed since she had been a little girl. Which, of course, _had only been 15 years ago_, and you'd best remember that.

Behind her and Yondaime, two men were looking through the shaving supplies. One was covered in bandages and scars and sported an eyepatch—not uncommon. The other was taller and wore a black business suit. Suspicious.

"Brad-chan," the eyepatch one said, "I want this one. It says it has Comfort-Coated (tm) Blades. Three of them!"

Brad looked down, squinting behind round glasses. "Those are to make sure you _don't_ cut yourself, Farfie-chan. Most people prefer that."

Tsunade and Yondaime glanced discreetly at each other, before slipping quietly away. There were some scary people in Target.


	7. Chapter 7

The smoke cleared, and the deed was done. It had taken almost no time at all to find the perfect body—Kabuto knew the store better than anyone else, and he had navigated the aisles with grace and cunning. Now Orochimaru had a body that would last forever, one in which he could learn all the ninjutsu he craved, and demolish all who stood in his way.

Gleefully, he tramped down the aisles, looking for his first victim. Children flocked around from all over, but he ignored them. The prey he had in mind was much more worthy of his newfound power. Kabuto followed dutifully behind, keeping the children away with the glare of employee authority.

Orochimaru halted, laser-like red eyes taking in everything as his head swiveled from side to side. The purple snake plushie was tied around his waist, mimicking his old purple bow-thing. The man's fashion sense had not been affected by the transition, not in the least.

Ah. Just the hapless target he was looking for.

In the same area!

He wanted it. It was perfect, so he wanted it. He deserved to have it. There was no reason why it shouldn't belong to him. No one else should have it. It was his and his alone. He just had to swindle Tsunade out of her wallet, and it would be his forever.

Jiraiya ran at the little robot toy that seemed to be looking straight at him. But—no!—he caught the warning almost too late. One of those red-shirted folk he hadn't seen for the last half hour was standing right behind it, and he was glaring at him with the hated glare of employee authority. Why did he have to pop up now, of all times, and ruin his fun?

He backed off. He'd just go find his own. And a new one, at that. One that was still shiny and in its box. And one without an ugly girly purple thing on it. Or maybe he'd go and get the raptor one, that was way cooler. And more pointy. But not any of the dog things, those were only for little kids—

As Jiraiya was daydreaming about his future purchases, Orochimaru attacked. Forming all the appropriate hand seals with his "fast, full function arms with two types grippers," he cried out, "Senai Jashuu!" Even sleeve-less, snakes whipped out from his arms, waving wildly in the air, ready to attack!

Jiraiya gawked.

**!TO BE CONTINUED!**


	8. Chapter 8

"Buy me a icee! And a hotdog! And some popcorn!" Naruto squealed as he entered Target with his beloved Iruka-sensei.

"Jiraiya-sama is a bad influence on you," his patient teacher replied, calmly grabbing the back of Naruto's jacket and pulling him along. "You should learn to buy things with your own money."

"Che! That ero-yarou takes all of MY money! And then he spends it on alcohol and _girls_!" The genin made a sick face at that last part.

Iruka had to smile, even while insisting: "You should still look up to your elders, Naruto-kun."

"Ano-saa, ano-saa" the kyuubi chirped, "what are we here to buy, anyway, Iruka-sensei? I bet it's something super awesome and COOL for my birthday, isn't it?" He punched victoriously into the air, apparently having won something.

"Actually, I'm here to pick up some dog food," Iruka responded level-headedly, heading towards the object of his desire. Or, rather, the dog food.

"What? You don't have a dog."

Iruka blushed slightly, much to Naruto's confusion. "It's for, uh, a friend. Er, the dog of a friend. Dogs. …You'll understand when you're older."

Back to your regularly scheduled programming!

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" the tiny robot Orochimaru screamed. Well, it probably would have been a scream, but for the fact that he was in a tiny robot body, and inexorably had a tiny robot voice.

He was upset because the snakes he had summoned weren't snakes at all—just the cool-looking wires attached to different places on his tiny robot arms. But they looked a little like snakes writhing around, waiting to attack, because they had broken, and were writhing around, being broken.

"NOT AGAIN," RoboOro screamed again, "NOT AGAIN!" His tiny robot arms flapped loosely as he frantically twisted in panic. But they were beyond repair. He turned accusingly on Kabuto.

The teen ducked his head, adjusting his glasses. "The toy body probably couldn't channel your chakra effectively, because it wasn't built to do that. Perhaps we can find a mechanic to fix you—"

RoboOro kicked him, one of the things he could still do. "Idiot! Now I can't perform ANY jutsu! What were you thinking!" He kicked his minion again, just for good measure.

Jiraiya, standing right there watching, was at a loss. On the one hand, his OTR (one true rival) had proved his secret evil intent, and that meant that they could no longer be friends but also that Jiraiya had won the rivalry in terms of good always beats evil.

On the other hand, his OTR was now 17 and a half inches tall. It didn't matter who was good or who was evil, Jiraiya was BIGGER.


	9. Chapter 9

Tsunade thought that the abandoned burning wreckage in the plants aisle was a pretty good sign that Jiraiya had been through here not too long ago. She nodded to her companion, who still remained oh-so nameless. He smiled, and it was a nice smile, and we were all sad that he had died. They continued on.

It became clearer and more apparent that they were, in fact, heading in the right direction. Oh, there were many clues to tip them off, but the biggest was the helpless screams of "PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN! KABUTO MAKE HIM PUT ME DOWN!" That, and the sound of a plethora of children cheering.

They finally turned from the one big aisle onto the other big aisle, and saw up ahead, the unique sight of Kabuto and Jiraiya fighting over a toy robot within a massive ring of children shouting and placing bets. Tsunade sighed.

She waded through the children and ripped the robot from the two. The arms broke off, one in each of the combatant's hands, and the robot screamed something like "not agaaaaain!" The children booed, and began to melt into the nearby toy aisles.

"I was going to wiiin!" Jiraiya wailed. "I woulda finally woooon!" He chucked the arm angrily at the floor and flopped down in a sobbing heap.

Tsunade ignored him, turning to the employee. "Here," she said, handing the armless robot over. "Sorry about that, I didn't mean to let him out of my sight. Since he broke it, you can bill the Hokage's office for the toy."

Kabuto took the robot, stooping to retrieve the other arm. He straightened and his glasses flashed—but Yondaime stepped in.

"I'll pay for it. I was here to buy a birthday present, anyway, and this would be perfect." With a kind smile, he took all the pieces of RoboOro (who was still crying to himself), and walked off.

Kabuto was not about to let on that he'd had a part in transforming the nefarious criminal into his current immortal body, so he shrugged and went back to work.

Tsunade stood alone except for the bawling hermit on the floor next to her. But her peace was broken as Naruto bounded up, Iruka trailing behind.

"Tsunade-obaasan!" he hollered, "What are you doing in the toys with Ero-sennin 'tebayo!"

"Naruto!" Iruka scolded, coming up, "Sorry, Tsunade-sama, Jiraiya-sama. It's nice to see you today." He smiled a nice teachery smile, and adjusted the bag of dog food he was carrying.

"Iruka-sensei's going to buy me a birthday present, DATTEBAYO!" Naruto happily proclaimed. Iruka-sensei kept smiling, but more in a pained sort of way.

"I see you two are having a good time, but this baby and I were just leaving." She kicked Jiraiya a little to emphasize, and he slid quite a few feet away, still crying something about winning.

But then something caught her attention. "Oi," she started, looking around. "Where's Orochimaru?"

**NEXT CHAPTER: EPILOGUE**


End file.
